There is Nothing Like a Dam!

Today's Liz Smith gossip column headline in the New York Post is priceless. Regular readers will understand why. Okay, so if you don't read this today the link will not take you to the right article, and you'll have to go searching around the New York Post's archives. Stop complaining! You've obviously got nothing better to do if you're reading this. However, it proves that you should check in with me more regularly than you have done so far, just in case I've got around to posting something as scintillating, interesting and fascinating as this obviously is, because you're still reading. Good grief! I lost interest several lines ago. You're either dedicated or obsessive - probably both, and you certainly have too much thyme on your hands. But if you're still with me I'll now give a piece of advice to would-be graphic artists, of which I'm not one. Don't ever try to paste-up a multipage document the morning after the night before, when you had too many cocktails, three hours of sleep, and didn't make it home, despite knowing that you had to be in your office at 8.00 am on a Sunday morning to carryout the task that you should have finished the day before. It's just not recommended.

Theatre Etiquette

The Broadway season is going full blast right now in the run-up to the Tony Award nominations, and I'm fortunate that through my job and the generosity of friends, I'm seeing a lot of shows, good and bad. It has struck that some people simply do not have a clue how to behave when theatre-going (I use this term because it all begins long before you arrive at the venue). So here's my guide to correct behavior.

1. Leave your home/office/restaurant/wherever in good time to get to the theatre and be seated a couple of minutes before the show is SCHEDULED to begin.

2. Have your tickets ready to hand to the usher.

3. If you want a refreshment at the intermission, ask the bar staff if you can place an order and pay for it, so that they can have it ready for you. Most theatre bars will do this.

4. Listen to the ushers and use the aisles to which they direct you.

5. As you move past people who are already seated, please say, "Excuse me", and "Thank you", as they shove their knees up to their chins while you push by.

6. Switch off your cellphone, pager and all other electronic devices on your person. Off, not 'standby' or 'vibrate'.

7. Unwrap all the candies that you may need, before the house lights go down.

8. When the house lights start to dim, stop talking.

9. If there is an overture, do not talk during it: it is part of the performance.

More of this will follow, but it's now time I left for the theatre (actually I'm having cocktails before the show) because I don't want to be one of those selfish people who causes the curtain to be raised ten minutes late.

I'm back.

10. Er... that's enough bitching for the time being. Sssshhhhh!!!!!

Kat Konspiracy

Avid readers of this blog will recall my aversion to "Lloyd Andrew Sir Lord-Webber" and his feline abomination that I mentioned in Annoyances Part II. We've had several happy years without Cats on Broadway (thank goodness "Now and Forever" was just a slogan), then there were those awful orange cat flaps in Central Park (fortunately they disappeared after a few weeks), but the vermin are back, and this time it's not Broadway or the Park that are affected, it's the Internet. I've become increasingly worried about the virtual cat population. The world of bloggery has been infested by these creatures, and today I discovered that they are now armed and dangerous. Thanks, FARB, for your Kitten Kaboodle public safety alert. Alex has posted a lot of cat pictures in recent weeks, and I would list the links to them here, but frankly, life is too short.

It's That Time of the Month Again

It's been a month since I last wrote something on here for the great reading public, so to avoid further criticism of my lack of bloggery from such prolific bloggers as FARB and Alex, and less-prolific ones such as Greg, I'm posting this piece of drivel. Er... that's it, folks. I hope you enjoyed reading. Hey, hang on, this whole typing thing is actually quite easy, and ooh, my mind is now a whirling dervish of ideas that I just want to share with all of you, no matter how bad or inane they might be. Oh, dam! Damn! Dame! I've run out of thyme.

People Are SO Kind In The City For The Criminally Insane

One of the joys of having an office in the heart of New York City's Theatre District, on a block with six major theatres (none of which is dark these days), is battling with the crowds on matinee days. There is almost no available space on the sidewalk for people to get past the queues of theatre-goers. As an aside, here's a useless piece of information: there are up to 8592 ticket holders for theatres on this block alone.

I love the fact that there are so many people supporting Broadway, however, some of them should never have been given day-release, or care-in-the-community. Yesterday, as I left my building at 1.30pm to go an appointment, I had to force my way onto the street saying, "Excuse me; thank you very much" about a dozen times. One well-dressed gentleman in his sixties was determined not to let me through, and took every measure he could to prevent my getting by, to the point that we were both off the sidewalk and on the road surface itself, as he continued to obstruct my passage. When I eventually got past him he tripped me up! Perhaps he misunderstood the "break a leg" saying.

Anchors Away!

With the current changes in network news, I had rather hoped [have I no shame?] that we would see the end of news-type entertainment programs such as "The Evening News With Dan Rather Without Connie Chung". I'm interested in properly investigated news that is reported without bias. As long as the person "anchoring" the "news-entertainment" broadcast can read an idiot board [autocue] and speak clearly, it doesn't matter to me what their name happens to be. I object to their name taking up valuable column inches of my TV Guide [not that I actually buy or read that publication, but you do get my point, don't you?].

Central Park "Art"

Also known as:

The Emperor's New Shower Curtains

The Car Wash

And my new favourite - The Cat Flaps.

Today we bid farewell to "The Cat Flaps". During a brief walk through the north end of Central Park this afternoon, it occurred to me that the whole display should be razed using the domino effect. That may not be "art", but it's a fun idea.

I Feel Better After Reading This

Bitter Libertarian Lady: I've been issued more paper!

Annoyances - Part II

1. Technology - it will be the end of civilisation as we know it. My new scanner/printer/photocopier that was delivered last Friday has had a technician come by to fix it four times this week. And my beloved fax machine now sounds like a machine gun firing each time it prints out a received transmission. This does not augur well for the new motor-driven racecarts, er... I mean shopping carts that have been introduced at the uptown Fairway. They're great fun.

2. It's late in the afternoon but still nowhere near 5pm.

3. I'm the only member of the staff still here. Note to self: send out memo instructing employees to sign the visitors' book next time they actually show up for work.

4. That damned cat.

5. Anything by Sir Andrew Lord-Webber or whatever he's calling himself this week.

6. Cats.

7. Improper use; of the semi-colon.

8. Fractal geometry.

9. Clients who insist on sending email (especially when it quotes their previous ramblings) when a phonecall would suffice.

10. Having too many annoyances to deal with before 5pm.

I'm Back

Dear Reading Public

It seems that my contributions to the wonderful world of bloggery have been missed. After an in-depth study of the impact of my postings, and a roundtable disccussion (regulars will know which round table), I have decided to cave-in to the pressure and visit digitally with y'all once again.

Today, I shall be ranting about what's annoying me most right now.

1. Top of this very long list is the fact that I've caved-in to a huge amount of pressure applied by FARB and Greg.

2. I don't know what kind of cat a 'kitten kaboodle' is. The Cat Lover's Guide to Kittens is of no help!

3. It's still winter.

4. I haven't had a drink all day and it's now 11.23am.

5. The weekend, which starts shortly, gets shorter as the days go on.

There will be more of this later, becuase I'll definitely be more annoyed as the day wears on.

The Emperor's New Shower Curtains

Christo and Jeanne-Claude's "The Curtains" in Central Park is a HUGE amount of orange fabric. I'll leave it at that. Okay, so I can't just leave it there. (Is is true that Jeanne-Claude ran up all the curtains on her Singer? With all that money being spent you would have thought that someone would have had the good sense to slap a bit of orange, oops, sorry er... saffron paint on the tacky frame of the "official" "The Curtains" sign. It's all in the details, darling!

The exhibition's existence is drawing huge crowds and it caused nine of us to leave our natural habitat and actually do something on the weekend during daylight. For that, I'm grateful. Table A from Posh had a pleasant stroll then a mavellous brunch at Dorian's on 79th Street, where the Bloody Marys went down so smoothly. We should do it on a regular basis, only cutting out that whole Central Park thingy. Please close the curtains and let us have our park returned to us in proper condition.

PS If the curtains glowed in the dark they would be something worth seeing!

Dead or Alive?

Those people who feel compelled to write a blog while doing other things (I believe it's called "live blogging") need some serious intervention to help them get back to what is presumably called "dead blogging". Focus on what you're doing, kids, and don't let your attention deficit distract you from the task at hand. By the way, multi-tasking is inefficient and no excuse.

Money Well Spent

Absolutely the best value for money in New York City today is to play "The Dollar Game", the fabulous evening's entertainment that was introduced to me by Bradykins, the boyfriend of FARB (Famous Author Rob Byrnes robnyc.blogspot.com). Take a dollar bill, scrunch it up, and leave it on the sidewalk outside your favorite bar (in this case "Posh" on 51st Street at 9th Avenue. Then observe the reactions of people walking by. About seven out of of ten people will see it. At least four out of ten will look as if they really want to pick it it. Two out of ten will pick it up. And of those, about half will ask if anyone has lost a dollar and offer it up to play the next round of the game. People watching at its best. Thank you, Bradykins. Tonight, I spent a small fortune, but it was worth it for laughs. For all you competitors out there, we have your reactions on camera-phone!

Top 10 Reasons for Staying Home at Night Watching Channel 7

10. The Mormons might drop by (it's a long story).
9. There's a small chance that network television might show the world premiere of a movie trailer.
8. To watch Eyewitness News - aka the Sam Champion News Hour.
7. To see if Sam Champion has gotten even more of a tan.
6. To check out the latest shade of Sam Champion's hair.
5. To keep up the Nielsen ratings on the Sam Champion News Hour.
4. To see if any of the men on your favourite weather and news show are actually wearing less makeup than the women.
3. To examine the stylish new curves of Sam Champion's eyebrows.
2. To see if Sam Champion's teeth have gotten any whiter.
1. You suffer from impaired night vision caused by staring too long at Sam Champion's teeth on widescreen plasma TV.

PS We love Sam. But you can tell it's been a long hard winter.

This sort of stuff cannot be made up. Recently, a former Vice President of the United States and his lovely wife (let's just call them Al & Tipper) had the neighbors over for a small dinner party. After showing their guests their fabulous meditation room, they sat down to nice meal. How was the evening rounded off? Al did his PowerPoint presentation on global warming.

My office is having a lot of redecoration going on, just down the corridor, and there are new security features for our safety, such as keeping the lavatory locked at all times. Keys have been issued to each of the tenants. There's a basic problem with the new system. In the old days you could go to the loo, lock the door and do your thing. Now that we have keys there's a huge problem, because anyone can open the door from the outside and burst in on you. It gets worse. The mensroom key fits the ladiesroom. The last thing any of the guys in this building want is women stepping up to the urinal. Of course its okay for us to use their perfumed boudoir in an emergency. It gets even more insane. I reached for my key this afternoon, headed down the corridor only to discover that some rebel had stolen the mensroom door off its hinges. No kidding. Now, I know the obvious thing is to say that the painters probably took it off to paint it. Nooooooooo. It had already been painted!!!!! So I stormed off to the building management and made a spectacle of myself claiming the new lavatorial security system to have been flushed out on day one.

PS will whoever took our door, please put it back.

New Year Resolutions Update

It's day six of the new year, so let's find out how the resolutions are going.

It's all going very well. Er... well, um... I've learned how to text on my phone... that's been an ambition of mine since 2004. And I've taken up blogging, which was a bit of a surprise all round, actually. As far as the smoking, drinking and other vices are concerned, I'm happy to report that it's day two of my giving up giving up. Oh, drat! That wasn't meant to happen for a whole month! Well, there's always next year.

Reasonably So-So Vibrations

Embargoed till Good Vibrations opens on Broadway (2 February 2005)

Great songs, good performers, and a few lines of dialogue does not a Broadway show make, even when it's a veritable feast for the eyes, and a harmonious treat for the ears, with the fabulous music of Brian Wilson, and the youngest, most beautiful cast in Good Vibrations. By intermission I felt that I had sat through a very well-done high school revue of Beach Boys material, that excluded all but the most basic plot and character development...."but it was, fun, fun, fun...".

Half-way through act two there were definite signs of a real story struggling to get out. It was as if the book writer (Richard Dresser) had realised, as he finished writing act two, that there was possibly a story of substance there after all, but no time to (re-)write act one before opening on Broadway. Hey, here's a thought: maybe there is time after all. Otherwise the New York critics will kill the show.

By curtain I realized that I had enjoyed the evening more than I had anticipated during intermission, but I fear the show will sink... er... in the interest of good taste, I'll not mention anything about the forthcoming connection of earthquakes, tidal waves and tsunami to New York theatre critics. (Oh, but I just did!)