The Keys

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES

This is a work of non-fiction. Only the spellings of the names have been changed to protect the guilty.

New York. Hell's Kitchen. Monday morning.

As the post-Pride festivities continued into the wee small hours and beyond, Pierce realised [I want no comments on the spelling of this one, FARB] that he had lost his keys. Having so many friends in the neighbourhood [oh, there's another one!], he felt sure he could at least crash somewhere nearby. Alas, no one nearby, including Bryan, was answering his phone. In desperation, at 6.13am Pierce called Marc, who lives several miles away, but also has a set of keys to Pierce's place, because he more or less lives there much of the time. Amazingly, Marc had woken up several minutes before to pour a gallon of water down his throat, having dehydrated in the hot discomfort of his non-airconditioned apartment during a brutally humid night. "I'll come and get the keys," said Pierce. Marc thought about this for less than half a second and decided that he would deliver the keys. After all, Pierce's had already lost his keys and the way thing were going he might very easily lose himself on the journey to Harlem, and it would get Marc out of the furnace that he'd been in for the previous eight hours. "I'll be there in 30 minutes," said Marc.

Meanwhile, to kill some time, Pierce sat on the front steps of his apartment building and continued to make calls. Eventually, Bryan answered, and Pierce poured out the whole sad story. "Pierce," said Bryan in his usual deadpan tone, "Do you know where I am?"

"Where?" asked Pierce.

"I'm in your apartment." [Priceless!]

A short time later Marc arrived at the building and called Pierce's phone (because the buzzer doesn't work). "Buzz me in, mate," said Marc. Pierce cracked up at this, as Marc realised that he had in his pocket his own set of keys to Pierce's apartment, and that that was the whole point of his being there. [Duh!]

The three boys laughed and laughed and laughed at the events of the morning, and still couldn't figure out how or why Bryan was in Pierce's apartment.

It could only have been funnier if Marc and Pierce had walked in to find Bryan crashed out on the sofa. It's going to make a great episode in the boys' TV sitcom.

That Was The Week That Was

I have safely returned from Kalamazoo, having had a fantastic time.

My trip got off to a tricky start when I was caught by airport security with three banned items in my possession. Ooops. My first flight was cancelled, which resulted in having an extended layover in Chicago that I survived by having g & ts at 9.00am. It was all 'down the hatch' from that point on.

At 2.45am on Friday I had the pleasure of meeting four drunken bridesmaids outside the hotel who each felt it necessary to flash their massive boobs at me not once, but three times. I almost went blind.

Kalamazoo, Here I Come!

Avid readers will be distressed to learn that I shall be gone from Tuesday until Sunday, due to my being required to attend a conference in Kalamazoo, Michigan. This will of course cause absolutely no interruption to the usual publishing schedule of A Certain View. [What publishing schedule? - Editor]

What conference? It's some fabulous theatre thingy with great big parties and receptions and cocktails and late nights. Hang on! That's my life here, isn't it?

You all have to get back to rehab! You know who you are! Enough said.

As I don't seem to be having brunch right now, I am sitting here reading bloggery from around the world. This one is my new favourite. My loyal readership will understand why.

The 'Stop The Drunk From Falling Down' Game

This has to be some of the most fun I've had all day. Check it out. You just move your mouse left and right (no clicking) to keep the drunk walking in a straight line without falling over.

What the kool kids are saying

This article is of particular interest to members of Table A at Posh who were recently introduced to the word minger by Piers. It now seems that the really heavy kids are too mint to say minger, though.

Newsflash: lemon versus lime

I am happy to report that within one hour of reading my treatise on gin and tonic, my friend and colleague Colleen, who had until then been a devoted drinker of g&t with lime, rushed out, tried the recipe, and immediately converted to g&t with lemon. Welcome, Colleen. Cheers!