Kalamazoo, Here I Come!

Avid readers will be distressed to learn that I shall be gone from Tuesday until Sunday, due to my being required to attend a conference in Kalamazoo, Michigan. This will of course cause absolutely no interruption to the usual publishing schedule of A Certain View. [What publishing schedule? - Editor]

What conference? It's some fabulous theatre thingy with great big parties and receptions and cocktails and late nights. Hang on! That's my life here, isn't it?

You all have to get back to rehab! You know who you are! Enough said.

As I don't seem to be having brunch right now, I am sitting here reading bloggery from around the world. This one is my new favourite. My loyal readership will understand why.

The 'Stop The Drunk From Falling Down' Game

This has to be some of the most fun I've had all day. Check it out. You just move your mouse left and right (no clicking) to keep the drunk walking in a straight line without falling over.

What the kool kids are saying

This article is of particular interest to members of Table A at Posh who were recently introduced to the word minger by Piers. It now seems that the really heavy kids are too mint to say minger, though.

Newsflash: lemon versus lime

I am happy to report that within one hour of reading my treatise on gin and tonic, my friend and colleague Colleen, who had until then been a devoted drinker of g&t with lime, rushed out, tried the recipe, and immediately converted to g&t with lemon. Welcome, Colleen. Cheers!

The New Curse of the Drinking Classes

I can just about tolerate being asked if I'm old enough to drink (oh, don't be so bloody stupid, look at me!) and I get mildly offended if I have to prove it by showing some form of identification (no, I never carry it; you'll just have to believe that I'm the same guy you've been serving here six nights a week for the last year), but I draw the line absolutely at being rubber-stamped. I will not let it happen and I recommend to everyone that you resist too. You could develop some awful skin complaint that could make you unable to drink at that bar ever again. What is this, 1984? What next, barcoding? No pun intended.

Other responses that have worked for me in the recent past, when ID has been demanded: "No, thank you. I'll have a gin and tonic WITH LEMON." It works, but I think that it has something to do with my commitment to having that gin and tonic being far greater than the bar person's commitment to believing that I am underage.

Yes, it's very clear that I'm stubborn, bloody-minded and intransigent. Er... that just about sums me up. Cheers!

G & T with lemon

FARB (Famous Author Rob 'Buy My Books Dammit' Byrnes recently inspired me to ramble on about lemons and limes as a result of my reading his Confessions of a Former Pop Drinker. My point is simply this, and it can't be repeated too often in the hope that it will eventually sink in: gin and tonic should be served with a slice of lemon, never with a slice of lime. An abundance of London gin (which is the usual kind that people drink) should be poured over ice. Fizzy tonic water should be added (to a certain extent, but you don't want to drown the gin), followed by the squeeze of a lemon. Delicious.

Which gin to use? Boodles or Malacca if available, which is rarely. Beefeater is exceptionally drinkable, and Bombay Sapphire is fabulous and mixes very well. Never drink Tanqueray unless it happen to be Tanqueray Malacca. For tonic I prefer Schweppes in a little bottle. Those soda-pop guns that are used in bars get contaminated by such other fluids as soda water, so you never can be sure what's mixing with your tonic and your gin, but as soon as you taste the drink, you'll know that it's got a little something else. For those cocktail emergencies that occur, it is acceptable to serve Gordon's with a generic tonic.

If you've only ever tasted 'g & t' with lime, you haven't tasted it at all! I've poured enough of it down my own throat that I know the good of it (to paraphrase George Bernard Shaw).

Er...mmm...no, wait, it'll come to me

For the third time today, I have forgotten whatever is was that I was about to do. I don't know if it's fun, important or even work-related, but I do know that each time I've remembered what it is (albeit fleetingly), I've realized that it's the same thing I keep forgetting, and before you can say Bob's your uncle I've forgotten it again! Bring on the ginky booloobah! Hey, could it be that it's a computer thingy, and I've been meaning to commit bloggery? No. That's a ridiculous thought. I would never do that. Oviously it's not just my memory that's fading.

There is Nothing Like a Dam!

Today's Liz Smith gossip column headline in the New York Post is priceless. Regular readers will understand why. Okay, so if you don't read this today the link will not take you to the right article, and you'll have to go searching around the New York Post's archives. Stop complaining! You've obviously got nothing better to do if you're reading this. However, it proves that you should check in with me more regularly than you have done so far, just in case I've got around to posting something as scintillating, interesting and fascinating as this obviously is, because you're still reading. Good grief! I lost interest several lines ago. You're either dedicated or obsessive - probably both, and you certainly have too much thyme on your hands. But if you're still with me I'll now give a piece of advice to would-be graphic artists, of which I'm not one. Don't ever try to paste-up a multipage document the morning after the night before, when you had too many cocktails, three hours of sleep, and didn't make it home, despite knowing that you had to be in your office at 8.00 am on a Sunday morning to carryout the task that you should have finished the day before. It's just not recommended.

Theatre Etiquette

The Broadway season is going full blast right now in the run-up to the Tony Award nominations, and I'm fortunate that through my job and the generosity of friends, I'm seeing a lot of shows, good and bad. It has struck that some people simply do not have a clue how to behave when theatre-going (I use this term because it all begins long before you arrive at the venue). So here's my guide to correct behavior.

1. Leave your home/office/restaurant/wherever in good time to get to the theatre and be seated a couple of minutes before the show is SCHEDULED to begin.

2. Have your tickets ready to hand to the usher.

3. If you want a refreshment at the intermission, ask the bar staff if you can place an order and pay for it, so that they can have it ready for you. Most theatre bars will do this.

4. Listen to the ushers and use the aisles to which they direct you.

5. As you move past people who are already seated, please say, "Excuse me", and "Thank you", as they shove their knees up to their chins while you push by.

6. Switch off your cellphone, pager and all other electronic devices on your person. Off, not 'standby' or 'vibrate'.

7. Unwrap all the candies that you may need, before the house lights go down.

8. When the house lights start to dim, stop talking.

9. If there is an overture, do not talk during it: it is part of the performance.

More of this will follow, but it's now time I left for the theatre (actually I'm having cocktails before the show) because I don't want to be one of those selfish people who causes the curtain to be raised ten minutes late.

I'm back.

10. Er... that's enough bitching for the time being. Sssshhhhh!!!!!

Kat Konspiracy

Avid readers of this blog will recall my aversion to "Lloyd Andrew Sir Lord-Webber" and his feline abomination that I mentioned in Annoyances Part II. We've had several happy years without Cats on Broadway (thank goodness "Now and Forever" was just a slogan), then there were those awful orange cat flaps in Central Park (fortunately they disappeared after a few weeks), but the vermin are back, and this time it's not Broadway or the Park that are affected, it's the Internet. I've become increasingly worried about the virtual cat population. The world of bloggery has been infested by these creatures, and today I discovered that they are now armed and dangerous. Thanks, FARB, for your Kitten Kaboodle public safety alert. Alex has posted a lot of cat pictures in recent weeks, and I would list the links to them here, but frankly, life is too short.

It's That Time of the Month Again

It's been a month since I last wrote something on here for the great reading public, so to avoid further criticism of my lack of bloggery from such prolific bloggers as FARB and Alex, and less-prolific ones such as Greg, I'm posting this piece of drivel. Er... that's it, folks. I hope you enjoyed reading. Hey, hang on, this whole typing thing is actually quite easy, and ooh, my mind is now a whirling dervish of ideas that I just want to share with all of you, no matter how bad or inane they might be. Oh, dam! Damn! Dame! I've run out of thyme.

People Are SO Kind In The City For The Criminally Insane

One of the joys of having an office in the heart of New York City's Theatre District, on a block with six major theatres (none of which is dark these days), is battling with the crowds on matinee days. There is almost no available space on the sidewalk for people to get past the queues of theatre-goers. As an aside, here's a useless piece of information: there are up to 8592 ticket holders for theatres on this block alone.

I love the fact that there are so many people supporting Broadway, however, some of them should never have been given day-release, or care-in-the-community. Yesterday, as I left my building at 1.30pm to go an appointment, I had to force my way onto the street saying, "Excuse me; thank you very much" about a dozen times. One well-dressed gentleman in his sixties was determined not to let me through, and took every measure he could to prevent my getting by, to the point that we were both off the sidewalk and on the road surface itself, as he continued to obstruct my passage. When I eventually got past him he tripped me up! Perhaps he misunderstood the "break a leg" saying.

Anchors Away!

With the current changes in network news, I had rather hoped [have I no shame?] that we would see the end of news-type entertainment programs such as "The Evening News With Dan Rather Without Connie Chung". I'm interested in properly investigated news that is reported without bias. As long as the person "anchoring" the "news-entertainment" broadcast can read an idiot board [autocue] and speak clearly, it doesn't matter to me what their name happens to be. I object to their name taking up valuable column inches of my TV Guide [not that I actually buy or read that publication, but you do get my point, don't you?].

Central Park "Art"

Also known as:

The Emperor's New Shower Curtains

The Car Wash

And my new favourite - The Cat Flaps.

Today we bid farewell to "The Cat Flaps". During a brief walk through the north end of Central Park this afternoon, it occurred to me that the whole display should be razed using the domino effect. That may not be "art", but it's a fun idea.

I Feel Better After Reading This

Bitter Libertarian Lady: I've been issued more paper!

Annoyances - Part II

1. Technology - it will be the end of civilisation as we know it. My new scanner/printer/photocopier that was delivered last Friday has had a technician come by to fix it four times this week. And my beloved fax machine now sounds like a machine gun firing each time it prints out a received transmission. This does not augur well for the new motor-driven racecarts, er... I mean shopping carts that have been introduced at the uptown Fairway. They're great fun.

2. It's late in the afternoon but still nowhere near 5pm.

3. I'm the only member of the staff still here. Note to self: send out memo instructing employees to sign the visitors' book next time they actually show up for work.

4. That damned cat.

5. Anything by Sir Andrew Lord-Webber or whatever he's calling himself this week.

6. Cats.

7. Improper use; of the semi-colon.

8. Fractal geometry.

9. Clients who insist on sending email (especially when it quotes their previous ramblings) when a phonecall would suffice.

10. Having too many annoyances to deal with before 5pm.

I'm Back

Dear Reading Public

It seems that my contributions to the wonderful world of bloggery have been missed. After an in-depth study of the impact of my postings, and a roundtable disccussion (regulars will know which round table), I have decided to cave-in to the pressure and visit digitally with y'all once again.

Today, I shall be ranting about what's annoying me most right now.

1. Top of this very long list is the fact that I've caved-in to a huge amount of pressure applied by FARB and Greg.

2. I don't know what kind of cat a 'kitten kaboodle' is. The Cat Lover's Guide to Kittens is of no help!

3. It's still winter.

4. I haven't had a drink all day and it's now 11.23am.

5. The weekend, which starts shortly, gets shorter as the days go on.

There will be more of this later, becuase I'll definitely be more annoyed as the day wears on.

The Emperor's New Shower Curtains

Christo and Jeanne-Claude's "The Curtains" in Central Park is a HUGE amount of orange fabric. I'll leave it at that. Okay, so I can't just leave it there. (Is is true that Jeanne-Claude ran up all the curtains on her Singer? With all that money being spent you would have thought that someone would have had the good sense to slap a bit of orange, oops, sorry er... saffron paint on the tacky frame of the "official" "The Curtains" sign. It's all in the details, darling!

The exhibition's existence is drawing huge crowds and it caused nine of us to leave our natural habitat and actually do something on the weekend during daylight. For that, I'm grateful. Table A from Posh had a pleasant stroll then a mavellous brunch at Dorian's on 79th Street, where the Bloody Marys went down so smoothly. We should do it on a regular basis, only cutting out that whole Central Park thingy. Please close the curtains and let us have our park returned to us in proper condition.

PS If the curtains glowed in the dark they would be something worth seeing!

Dead or Alive?

Those people who feel compelled to write a blog while doing other things (I believe it's called "live blogging") need some serious intervention to help them get back to what is presumably called "dead blogging". Focus on what you're doing, kids, and don't let your attention deficit distract you from the task at hand. By the way, multi-tasking is inefficient and no excuse.