Avid and regular readers may not have been too enthralled by my last act of bloggery, It was no day at the beach, so I thought I would try better this time. If you didn’t read that one, please note that what follows is the conclusion to the my previous post.
The train ride to Manhattan was unlike no other. First, there was a devastatingly handsome young Russian sitting opposite us. He seemed engrossed by his notebook and pencil. I think he was collecting phone numbers, or perhaps inside leg measurements because at the first stop when two attractive young men boarded the train, the young Russian began to cruise them with a focus that I have never before witnessed. He was like a human velociraptor with tasty prey in his sight. He made his interest in our fellow passengers abundantly clear, and when it was time for him to alight, he reluctantly got off alone.
At the next stop, three young black men boarded the train. We listened to their conversation and observed them. They looked as if they might be in their late teens. One boy was extremely fat and very vocal. His friend was a stick insect who made me look fat and didn’t have too much to say that wasn’t delivered in a tone of blind panic. The third young man was silent and instantly forgettable.
Angel whispered in my ear, “I can’t understand anything they’re saying except ‘nigga’ and ‘motherfucker’.”
“Don’t worry,” I said reassuringly. “Remember, I live in Harlem. I can translate.”
I made tried to look bored and uninterested in what was being said, but it was quite fascinating. As I explained to Angel later, when it was safe to do so, the large one was giving serious thought to perpetrating a crime that would pay off enough that eighteen months behind bars would be worth it. The stick insect knew what life was like in the big house.
[The following sentence is an edited translation for the benefit of avid and regular readers.]
“There are long tables and chairs where you eat, and big TV screens at each end, and cells all around.”
Big Boy liked the idea of TV and was convinced that he could handle doing time without any problem.
“Don’t do it, man”, Stick pleaded with his bro’. [bro’ = brother, friend, companion]
I thought that the big house would be like no fat farm Big Boy had ever been to, and he’d probably get released looking even thinner than me (though perhaps not so thin as Stick). And as for those giant TV screens, I didn’t think that with his his cellmates to consider he would have too much time for telly.
Angel was agog as I filled him in on the details. I was able to edit the story down to about half the length of the original by eliminating ‘nigga’ and ‘motherfucker’ from my version.
Anyhoo, that concludes the week before. If you haven’t fallen asleep yet (and who could blame you?) I’ll begin the next adventure. If you have fallen asleep, wake up, and get off my lawn blog er… I mean yawn blog.
16 September 2005
14 September 2005
It was no day at the beach - part i
My friend Angel talked me into making a trip to Coney Island recently. It's a piece of Americana that I'd not seen, so I decided to give it a whirl. After a quick walk around the amusements, we headed down the promenade (boardwalk) for a spot of people watching. Well!!! It's been years since I've spent so much time among such huge numbers of straight people. We knew when we could see in the distance a green sign for a restaurant named V**ina that we were not among the Posh Table A crowd. (Two of the letters of the restaurant's name were obscured by other signage.) To our great relief, the restaurant was named something different from the obvious, and it was a grill rather than a fish restaurant.
Despite the fact that we hadn't had a drink all day, and it was pushing 1.00 pm, we continued our forced march down Brighton Beach. Noticing the maple leaf symbols of the city parks department I commented to Angel that the maple leaves made me think of Canada. I was actually thinking that we had walked so far that it felt as if we could have been in Ottawa by then.
"Are we there yet?" I demanded.
"Where?" Angel responded.
"Canada!"
We kept going and passed several bar/restaurants that we firmly intendedhaving a look at eating and drinking in later in our expedition. Eventually, we got to the end of the boardwalk (somewhere in the Hamptons would be my guess), took our shoes off, and started the long walk back on the beach. Not recommended, though there were some nice views along the way. Also some not so nice ones: the product of 300 years of potato diet!
Just when we thought we might never eat or drink again, we came upon the section of Russian restaurants on Brighton beach and settled on the Winter Garden because we preferred its bold but co-ordinated colour scheme over the clashing tones of Tatiana and the unmentionable one.
We selected a lovely table and settled in for a libation and a nibble. We ordered vodka shots to begin - three of them, one for me, and two for Angel. I also ordered a vodka tonic, and Angel asked for a coke. We also asked for water. Two shots arrived quickly afterwards so we had one each. We sat waiting. When we eventually able to attract the attention of our waitress we asked about our other drinks.
"Bar's closed," she said, completely deadpan.
In what I imagine was a 'Sooty moment' (British readers may recall Sooty the hand puppet), in an instant, my head shot up and swivelled 90 degrees. I had one word for her: "Closed?!?!?!" which I delivered with the full force that those exclamation marks imply. It was 4.00 pm for goodness sake, and there was a huge amount of drinking to be done.
Not wanting to make international spectacles of ourselves, we ordered cokes (again). One coke arrived. We shared it and asked for water (again). A large jug of water arrived, but no glasses. Avid and careful readers will have noticed that we had received shot glasses earlier, which by this point were empty. Necessity being the mother of invention, we poured shots of water. Perfect. Eventually, we splurged on a second bottle of coke and polished off the water before leaving. As an aside, I will say that the food was excellent. The laughs we had about the service were even better. It's amazing how much fun you can have on one tiny shot.
The journey back to Manhattan was a revelation. I'll save that story and the account of our next journey to Coney Island and Brighton Beach for another time.
Despite the fact that we hadn't had a drink all day, and it was pushing 1.00 pm, we continued our forced march down Brighton Beach. Noticing the maple leaf symbols of the city parks department I commented to Angel that the maple leaves made me think of Canada. I was actually thinking that we had walked so far that it felt as if we could have been in Ottawa by then.
"Are we there yet?" I demanded.
"Where?" Angel responded.
"Canada!"
We kept going and passed several bar/restaurants that we firmly intended
Just when we thought we might never eat or drink again, we came upon the section of Russian restaurants on Brighton beach and settled on the Winter Garden because we preferred its bold but co-ordinated colour scheme over the clashing tones of Tatiana and the unmentionable one.
We selected a lovely table and settled in for a libation and a nibble. We ordered vodka shots to begin - three of them, one for me, and two for Angel. I also ordered a vodka tonic, and Angel asked for a coke. We also asked for water. Two shots arrived quickly afterwards so we had one each. We sat waiting. When we eventually able to attract the attention of our waitress we asked about our other drinks.
"Bar's closed," she said, completely deadpan.
In what I imagine was a 'Sooty moment' (British readers may recall Sooty the hand puppet), in an instant, my head shot up and swivelled 90 degrees. I had one word for her: "Closed?!?!?!" which I delivered with the full force that those exclamation marks imply. It was 4.00 pm for goodness sake, and there was a huge amount of drinking to be done.
Not wanting to make international spectacles of ourselves, we ordered cokes (again). One coke arrived. We shared it and asked for water (again). A large jug of water arrived, but no glasses. Avid and careful readers will have noticed that we had received shot glasses earlier, which by this point were empty. Necessity being the mother of invention, we poured shots of water. Perfect. Eventually, we splurged on a second bottle of coke and polished off the water before leaving. As an aside, I will say that the food was excellent. The laughs we had about the service were even better. It's amazing how much fun you can have on one tiny shot.
The journey back to Manhattan was a revelation. I'll save that story and the account of our next journey to Coney Island and Brighton Beach for another time.
Phone mystery continued
Avid and regular readers will recall my act of bloggery about a phone mystery (written exactly a month ago today). If you haven't already read it, and I can't think why you'd want to miss that one, you'd better click the link immediately, and certainly before reading any further.
At 1.47 pm today, the mystery man, Jason, called again and I spoke to him! Unfortunately, I was distracted by something important, or perhaps even a work-related matter, and did not have several hours spare to subject him to forensic questionning. However, I did glean from him that I am the voice on HIS outgoing voicemail, and he thought we met at View Bar (I would remember that because I always get nosebleeds if I travel below 42nd Street, so I rarely go that far down-state). He then remembered that we actually met at Posh! Apparently, I had provided my vocal services at Posh Table A one night. There have been several evenings that outgoing messages have been recorded by members of The Table for their friends. I thought I was the only person who had retained his, as recorded by Master Moore and Master Nichols; Jason still has his.
If you're still reading at this point, and who can blame you, you'll be wanting to know why Jason called. He needed directions to Posh! Can you believe it? He seems to think I'll be meeting him there at some point. Heavens! I can't say he never calls.
At 1.47 pm today, the mystery man, Jason, called again and I spoke to him! Unfortunately, I was distracted by something important, or perhaps even a work-related matter, and did not have several hours spare to subject him to forensic questionning. However, I did glean from him that I am the voice on HIS outgoing voicemail, and he thought we met at View Bar (I would remember that because I always get nosebleeds if I travel below 42nd Street, so I rarely go that far down-state). He then remembered that we actually met at Posh! Apparently, I had provided my vocal services at Posh Table A one night. There have been several evenings that outgoing messages have been recorded by members of The Table for their friends. I thought I was the only person who had retained his, as recorded by Master Moore and Master Nichols; Jason still has his.
If you're still reading at this point, and who can blame you, you'll be wanting to know why Jason called. He needed directions to Posh! Can you believe it? He seems to think I'll be meeting him there at some point. Heavens! I can't say he never calls.
30 August 2005
Fire!
Avid and regular readers will recall various insanities in my office building. Things settled down for a while, but it seems that a psychotic psychic has moved into an office down the corridor. On Sunday evening I slipped into the building just to check on things (I'll bet she didn't see that in her crystal ball) because there were reports of weird comings and goings at all hours, and strange cracked-out or high types people wandering the corridors. There was a faint odour of cheap incense, and wind chimes jungled each time the psychic's office door opened and closed. The wind chimes are activitate by a lot of hot air would be my guess, and my only real fear is that Dionne Warwick will appear at any moment. Anyhoo, on with the rant...
Yesterday, there was a burning smell in our office at various times of the day but we couldn't locate the source. This afternoon I left our office suite (our main door had been closed) and was assaulted by the stench of incense. I was incensed [I couldn't resist] and went storming down the corridor bellowing, "What is that stinking smell?" The wind chimes jingled very slightly and were silenced quickly. This evening there was some sort of chanting going on. I'll be dealing with the noise pollution in due course.
Wow! The chimes just went off again. It's amazing how sounds that are meant to be soothing can seem so downright disgusting. Now, where did I put that fire extinguisher?
Yesterday, there was a burning smell in our office at various times of the day but we couldn't locate the source. This afternoon I left our office suite (our main door had been closed) and was assaulted by the stench of incense. I was incensed [I couldn't resist] and went storming down the corridor bellowing, "What is that stinking smell?" The wind chimes jingled very slightly and were silenced quickly. This evening there was some sort of chanting going on. I'll be dealing with the noise pollution in due course.
Wow! The chimes just went off again. It's amazing how sounds that are meant to be soothing can seem so downright disgusting. Now, where did I put that fire extinguisher?
27 August 2005
Who wins the toaster?
From the BBC, a fabulous report that uniformed members of the British Army and Royal Air Force have participated in the Gay Pride march in Manchester, England. It could be part of the "haven't asked, don't really care" policy that has been applied in my homeland since 2000. Oh, well, if they recruit enough youngsters younglings, somebody's bound to win a toaster.
Careful readers will have noted that the Senior Service did not participate in the festivities. Manchester does not have a harbour, apparently. Perhaps someone should remind the Royal Navy about the Manchester Ship Canal. HMS Middleton sailed up it on 10 October 2001 and photographic evidence of that great naval event can be seen here. The Manchester Ship Canal people are positively encouraging cruising in bars and other places, as can be read here.
Careful readers will have noted that the Senior Service did not participate in the festivities. Manchester does not have a harbour, apparently. Perhaps someone should remind the Royal Navy about the Manchester Ship Canal. HMS Middleton sailed up it on 10 October 2001 and photographic evidence of that great naval event can be seen here. The Manchester Ship Canal people are positively encouraging cruising in bars and other places, as can be read here.
21 August 2005
Let's do the numbers
It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics - Knebel's Law
Almost 68% of the month of August has gone and YES the ban on DRINKING and SMOKING is still going strong on Day 21. Avid and regular readers, and members of Posh Table A have expressed surprise and delight that Piers and I have done so well this month. Some have even said that they wish they had joined us aboard the wagon. The month is not over yet; it's at a very exciting stage, especially as there are rumours of a sequel after Labor Day, which takes place in a whole new month.
Almost 68% of the month of August has gone and YES the ban on DRINKING and SMOKING is still going strong on Day 21. Avid and regular readers, and members of Posh Table A have expressed surprise and delight that Piers and I have done so well this month. Some have even said that they wish they had joined us aboard the wagon. The month is not over yet; it's at a very exciting stage, especially as there are rumours of a sequel after Labor Day, which takes place in a whole new month.
14 August 2005
Phone mystery
Who are you and why are you calling me and why are you calling me at this time?
That's what I would have been asking if I'd been awake at 12.13am last Saturday when "Jason" called twice and didn't leave a message. Hmmmmmm?!?!? Who is Jason? was my first thought. Obviously I've communicated with this mystery man because his name is in my cell phone address book. The area code is for part of Kansas. The detective work hasn't helped. And it would be too easy to call his number.
There are three people I can think of whom I know who are called Jason. None of them, to my knowledge, has my cell number. Two of them work at my favourite drinking establishment, and the third lives in Boston. There are no other Jasons that come to mind right now.
Why would he call twice? The second call may have been for his own amusement or that of a companion. That's because I am blessed with two highly amusing outgoing messages. The messages are more than outgoing, they're positively gregarious. I suppose that's why there are two of them. Regular members of Table A will know why. By the way, Jason, do give a call!
UPDATE
Mystery takes a surprising turn here.
That's what I would have been asking if I'd been awake at 12.13am last Saturday when "Jason" called twice and didn't leave a message. Hmmmmmm?!?!? Who is Jason? was my first thought. Obviously I've communicated with this mystery man because his name is in my cell phone address book. The area code is for part of Kansas. The detective work hasn't helped. And it would be too easy to call his number.
There are three people I can think of whom I know who are called Jason. None of them, to my knowledge, has my cell number. Two of them work at my favourite drinking establishment, and the third lives in Boston. There are no other Jasons that come to mind right now.
Why would he call twice? The second call may have been for his own amusement or that of a companion. That's because I am blessed with two highly amusing outgoing messages. The messages are more than outgoing, they're positively gregarious. I suppose that's why there are two of them. Regular members of Table A will know why. By the way, Jason, do give a call!
UPDATE
Mystery takes a surprising turn here.
13 August 2005
There's a Book or a Word for It
Regular or avid readers of this bloggery (if there are such people) will know that I rarely never plug anything here. That's about to change because I have some recommendations. There's a Word for It by Charles Harrington Elster (available through Amazon.com) is a must read for lovers of words.
Today is day thirteen of NO SMOKING and NO ALCOHOL in the entire month of August for me and my friend Piers, so I thought I would dip into the wealth of words in the aforementioned book that relate to alcohol, and share a few of them with my great reading public. Other dipsomaniacs who started out on this journey with us have fallen, jumped, or been pushed off the wagon. You know who you are. It's only a month, for crying out loud. And no, it's not easy, especially when you're tackling several demons at once, but come on people! Anyhoo, back to the words:
bibulous: fond of drinking, especially excessively. That's a good one to describe me and most of my friends, especially members of Posh Table A.
capernoited: slightly intoxicated, tipsy. Interestingly, this word is Scottish and can also mean irritable and peevish. Prior to the August drinking ban, I could be capernoited most evenings at Posh Table A by 8pm. Since the self-imposed ban I've been constantly capernoited (and not in the good way, as is demonstrated in paragraph two above).
downdrins: an afternoon drinking session. A major one of these is scheduled for Thursday 1 September 2005.
xertz: to gulp down, swallow quickly and greedily. Who do we know who does that? Yes, you, you, AND YOU. You know who you are.
That's enough of those words; they're making me feel as if I have alcoholic anadipsia. Let's get back to plugging stuff.
Now that Famous Author Rob Byrnes has been elevated (?) to "celebrity gay author" status (note the lack of capital letters - hmmmmmm), I feel compelled to plug his books. So check out TRL - The Rob Log and buy his books, dammit.
Here's another plug. If you're high and have the munchies, you really need Pie in the Sky by Susan G Purdy, so that you can bake cakes, pies, cookies, breads, and pastries successfully at high altitudes. Susan is perhaps America's best baker and no kitchen should be without her latest book. I also like it because I'm mentioned not once but twice. (Does that make me a celebrity? Hmmmmm?) Buy it to find out why. Then bake some cakes and save me a slice. But don't make me have to climb ev'ry mountain or get high. It' still August after all.
Today is day thirteen of NO SMOKING and NO ALCOHOL in the entire month of August for me and my friend Piers, so I thought I would dip into the wealth of words in the aforementioned book that relate to alcohol, and share a few of them with my great reading public. Other dipsomaniacs who started out on this journey with us have fallen, jumped, or been pushed off the wagon. You know who you are. It's only a month, for crying out loud. And no, it's not easy, especially when you're tackling several demons at once, but come on people! Anyhoo, back to the words:
bibulous: fond of drinking, especially excessively. That's a good one to describe me and most of my friends, especially members of Posh Table A.
capernoited: slightly intoxicated, tipsy. Interestingly, this word is Scottish and can also mean irritable and peevish. Prior to the August drinking ban, I could be capernoited most evenings at Posh Table A by 8pm. Since the self-imposed ban I've been constantly capernoited (and not in the good way, as is demonstrated in paragraph two above).
downdrins: an afternoon drinking session. A major one of these is scheduled for Thursday 1 September 2005.
xertz: to gulp down, swallow quickly and greedily. Who do we know who does that? Yes, you, you, AND YOU. You know who you are.
That's enough of those words; they're making me feel as if I have alcoholic anadipsia. Let's get back to plugging stuff.
Now that Famous Author Rob Byrnes has been elevated (?) to "celebrity gay author" status (note the lack of capital letters - hmmmmmm), I feel compelled to plug his books. So check out TRL - The Rob Log and buy his books, dammit.
Here's another plug. If you're high and have the munchies, you really need Pie in the Sky by Susan G Purdy, so that you can bake cakes, pies, cookies, breads, and pastries successfully at high altitudes. Susan is perhaps America's best baker and no kitchen should be without her latest book. I also like it because I'm mentioned not once but twice. (Does that make me a celebrity? Hmmmmm?) Buy it to find out why. Then bake some cakes and save me a slice. But don't make me have to climb ev'ry mountain or get high. It' still August after all.
23 July 2005
Imagine
EMBARGOED UNTIL THE SHOW OPENS (IF IT EVER DOES)
As of Sunday 14 August 2005 the show is open.
It remains to be seen how long Lennon will last. See updates below.
Imagine?!?!?! What were they thinking?
The first act of Lennon on Broadway is pretty bad. The second act, I can't say, because we couldn't stay. Perhaps it was because Yoko Ono was being brought beverages during the show. Bad form, doll! What next? Popcorn? The Broadhurst Theatre is not AMC-25.
The performers were great, however, this so-called musical has bad writing, bad direction and a weird concept. I can't even elevate it to the level of a train wreck. It's simply not that interesting. If you thought Good Vibrations was bad, there is no comparison. Good Vibrations would win a Tony over Lennon.
Would the morons who think that you can throw popular songs together to make a show worthy of being on Broadway please stop thinking that way. Let's have some real musicals play The Great White Way.
LENNON UPDATE - Sunday 14 August 2005
Avid and regular readers will have tuned in for Imagine.
Imagine! Who would have thunk it? This wretched show is about to open any minute now. I've just watched the arrivals at the theatre from the vantage point of my office. Yoko looked divine dressed in white with a huge hat and a big black bow. I hope she doesn't spill her beverages all over those lovely white pants. Some of the other fashion choices were less suitable. Let's just say there was a lot of mutton dressed as lamb. I know the weather is horrendously hot, but when you're pushing seventy, spandex leggings never look good.
The world now waits till morning for the critics' verdicts. I can't imagine what they'll say.
UPDATE - Monday 15 August 2005
Imagine!!!!!!!!!!!!I'm not going to say I told you so. This waste of a theatre will be gone by teatime. The critics hated it and so did I and everyone else I know who saw it. I feel sorry for the cast and crew who've worked so hard.
UPDATE - Sunday 21 August 2005 - 4.20pm
Imagine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's still playing. That might be something to do with the fact that Yoko Ono's car is parked illegally in front of the theatre at this precise moment. She's made a surprise visit just to make sure that they don't start loading out the show. Or she was passing and wanted to have a beverage. I dunno. I just see this stuff happening and feel the need to share it with regular and avid readers. Call it a public service announcement.
As of Sunday 14 August 2005 the show is open.
It remains to be seen how long Lennon will last. See updates below.
Imagine?!?!?! What were they thinking?
The first act of Lennon on Broadway is pretty bad. The second act, I can't say, because we couldn't stay. Perhaps it was because Yoko Ono was being brought beverages during the show. Bad form, doll! What next? Popcorn? The Broadhurst Theatre is not AMC-25.
The performers were great, however, this so-called musical has bad writing, bad direction and a weird concept. I can't even elevate it to the level of a train wreck. It's simply not that interesting. If you thought Good Vibrations was bad, there is no comparison. Good Vibrations would win a Tony over Lennon.
Would the morons who think that you can throw popular songs together to make a show worthy of being on Broadway please stop thinking that way. Let's have some real musicals play The Great White Way.
LENNON UPDATE - Sunday 14 August 2005
Avid and regular readers will have tuned in for Imagine.
Imagine! Who would have thunk it? This wretched show is about to open any minute now. I've just watched the arrivals at the theatre from the vantage point of my office. Yoko looked divine dressed in white with a huge hat and a big black bow. I hope she doesn't spill her beverages all over those lovely white pants. Some of the other fashion choices were less suitable. Let's just say there was a lot of mutton dressed as lamb. I know the weather is horrendously hot, but when you're pushing seventy, spandex leggings never look good.
The world now waits till morning for the critics' verdicts. I can't imagine what they'll say.
UPDATE - Monday 15 August 2005
Imagine!!!!!!!!!!!!
UPDATE - Sunday 21 August 2005 - 4.20pm
Imagine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's still playing. That might be something to do with the fact that Yoko Ono's car is parked illegally in front of the theatre at this precise moment. She's made a surprise visit just to make sure that they don't start loading out the show. Or she was passing and wanted to have a beverage. I dunno. I just see this stuff happening and feel the need to share it with regular and avid readers. Call it a public service announcement.
Cue the queue
Getting around New York City by subway in recent days hasn't been the most pleasant experience. Not because I live in fear of a terrorist attack. It's the blasted heat that's the problem. The temperature on the street is bad enough without having to endure the furnace below ground. A few days ago I decided to take a bus, and that's something I rarely do. There seemed to be a queue at the bus stop, so I joined it, and people were quite orderly about getting on the vehicle. Then a retired middle-class gentleman geezer showed up and started elbowing past me.
"Have the good manners to wait your turn," I said.
"Why? What was I doing?" he responded.
"You were pushing in," I said, pointing out the obvious.
"Well, now you're happy you're ahead of me."
"Darling, I'm way ahead of you!" I said triumphantly and climbed onto the bus.
That little episode got me thinking that it's time people here adopted the marvellous practice of queueing. It's good manners, it's fair and it's orderly. It also helps one survive the hot days by eliminating one way of getting bent out of shape by the bad behaviour of others.
America, take my cue and form a queue.
"Have the good manners to wait your turn," I said.
"Why? What was I doing?" he responded.
"You were pushing in," I said, pointing out the obvious.
"Well, now you're happy you're ahead of me."
"Darling, I'm way ahead of you!" I said triumphantly and climbed onto the bus.
That little episode got me thinking that it's time people here adopted the marvellous practice of queueing. It's good manners, it's fair and it's orderly. It also helps one survive the hot days by eliminating one way of getting bent out of shape by the bad behaviour of others.
America, take my cue and form a queue.
16 July 2005
Things Can Only Get Better
This was the kind of week that I don't want to have to go through ever again. Some people have a lot worse to deal with, I know.
While in Connecticut last weekend, I received news that my dear friend Matt had died suddenly, so I journeyed up there again for his funeral on Tuesday. On Wednesday night I heard about an acquaintance, Diane, in Connecticut, who committed suicide by taking an overdose and locking herself in a freezer in her cellar. (There is no connection between the two deaths, fortunately.) On Friday my sister called to say that my Dad has lung cancer, weighs less than 100 pounds, and is not going to receive any chemo or similar treatment. I talked to him a short time ago, and he says he's feeling so much better, the treatment's going so well, there's nothing to worry about, and people are telling him he looks a great deal better than de did last week. My sister then told me an entirely different version from what Dad had said. I then called my late friend Matt's home to speak to his widow, my darling friend Bea. Matt's voice was on the answering machine... To cap it all, my roommate's dog died.
Lucky white heather, anyone?
While in Connecticut last weekend, I received news that my dear friend Matt had died suddenly, so I journeyed up there again for his funeral on Tuesday. On Wednesday night I heard about an acquaintance, Diane, in Connecticut, who committed suicide by taking an overdose and locking herself in a freezer in her cellar. (There is no connection between the two deaths, fortunately.) On Friday my sister called to say that my Dad has lung cancer, weighs less than 100 pounds, and is not going to receive any chemo or similar treatment. I talked to him a short time ago, and he says he's feeling so much better, the treatment's going so well, there's nothing to worry about, and people are telling him he looks a great deal better than de did last week. My sister then told me an entirely different version from what Dad had said. I then called my late friend Matt's home to speak to his widow, my darling friend Bea. Matt's voice was on the answering machine... To cap it all, my roommate's dog died.
Lucky white heather, anyone?
15 July 2005
Hewlett Packard
The chickens have come home to roost at Hewlett Packard, where up to 25,000 jobs could be lost. I blame that stupid bitch [stet - editor] Carly Farly Farina, an overrated art hsitorian who gave buzzwords a bad name and led that organisation to disaster.
14 July 2005
I think that's what you mean
With the United Kingdom having been so prominently featured in world news recently, I've been thinking of the differences between American English and proper English and have decided to publish here my latest glossary of terms for the benefit of my reading public, especially the Britons. This may help your understanding of what Americans think they mean when they say...
American English = a bastardised version of The Queen’s English
English = British
British = of the UK except England
England = the UK except Ulster
Scotland = an island somewhere near the British Isles
sidewalk = pavement
pavement = tarmacadam
cookie = a particular kind of biscuit (definitely not McVitie)
biscuit = scone
scone = something fairly inedible resembling tarmacadam
English muffin = crumpet
muffin = a small cake
“urb” = herb
fag = not a cigarette
shop = a car repair centre
school = college or university
the holidays = the months of November and December
on vacation = on holiday
pudding = custard
take-out = take-away, or assassinate
television news = entertainment programme with topical flavour and a Hollywood slant
in-depth coverage = a news report lasting almost two minutes
exclusive = being carried by every television network and cable channel
dinner at 8.00 = 8.30 for 9.00
fashionably late = late
silverware = cutlery
hard roll = soft roll
soccer = football
football = rugby for big cissies
propane = gas
gas = petrol
gallon = less than a gallon
pint = less than a pint
trunk = boot
hood = bonnet
bonnet = glengarry
undershirt = vest
vest = waistcoat
jumper = pinafore
Pinafore = a light operetta by Gilbert and Sullivan
shorts = underpants
pants = trousers
coat = jacket
raincoat = macintosh
strep = a very sore throat
professor = lecturer
semester = term
shower = nothing to do with weather
tractor = the cab of an articulated lorry
trailer = static caravan unsuitable for towing
grass = a drug
drug = medicine
pharmacy = dispensing chemist
fries = chips
chips = crisps
sandwich = half a bird/pig/cow with a bread type product and assorted salad items - enough to feed a small African nation
Republican = similar to Conservative
Democrat = similar to Conservative or New Labour
left-wing = similar to conservative or New Labour
right-wing = very conservative
liberal = conservative or New Labour
Conservative = nothing to do with the Tories
doctor = seldom an M.D.
surgeon = doctor
veterinarian = vetinary surgeon
animal doctor = vet
impatiens = Bizzy Lizzy
geranium = pelargonium
slicker = sou’wester
city slicker = urban wise-guy
hardware store = ironmonger’s
hanging = a non-lethal form of social intercourse
quality on Channel 13 = BBC or ITV productions
prom = an event Sir Henry Wood wouldn’t be seen dead at
the city = nothing to do with the world’s financial centre
information = directory enquiries
inquire = enquire
long distance = a trunk call
we’ll be right back = frequent and lengthy breaks for adverts on telly
millionaire = half as rich as a British millionaire
billion = not nearly as much
check = cheque
check = cross
check = tick
tick = blood-sucking insect
tick-tack-toe = noughts and crosses
ticked off = cross
line = queue
line-up = identification parade
parade = march-past
garbage = rubbish
rubbish = nonsense
dump = tip
tip = honorarium
trash (vb) = ruin or destroy
trash = lower class types
step up = next, please
Please feel free to submit in good humour suggestions for additions to this glossary.
UPDATE - Friday 15 July 2005
private school = public school (Contributed by Piers. Thanks, mate.)
public school = comprehensive
American English = a bastardised version of The Queen’s English
English = British
British = of the UK except England
England = the UK except Ulster
Scotland = an island somewhere near the British Isles
sidewalk = pavement
pavement = tarmacadam
cookie = a particular kind of biscuit (definitely not McVitie)
biscuit = scone
scone = something fairly inedible resembling tarmacadam
English muffin = crumpet
muffin = a small cake
“urb” = herb
fag = not a cigarette
shop = a car repair centre
school = college or university
the holidays = the months of November and December
on vacation = on holiday
pudding = custard
take-out = take-away, or assassinate
television news = entertainment programme with topical flavour and a Hollywood slant
in-depth coverage = a news report lasting almost two minutes
exclusive = being carried by every television network and cable channel
dinner at 8.00 = 8.30 for 9.00
fashionably late = late
silverware = cutlery
hard roll = soft roll
soccer = football
football = rugby for big cissies
propane = gas
gas = petrol
gallon = less than a gallon
pint = less than a pint
trunk = boot
hood = bonnet
bonnet = glengarry
undershirt = vest
vest = waistcoat
jumper = pinafore
Pinafore = a light operetta by Gilbert and Sullivan
shorts = underpants
pants = trousers
coat = jacket
raincoat = macintosh
strep = a very sore throat
professor = lecturer
semester = term
shower = nothing to do with weather
tractor = the cab of an articulated lorry
trailer = static caravan unsuitable for towing
grass = a drug
drug = medicine
pharmacy = dispensing chemist
fries = chips
chips = crisps
sandwich = half a bird/pig/cow with a bread type product and assorted salad items - enough to feed a small African nation
Republican = similar to Conservative
Democrat = similar to Conservative or New Labour
left-wing = similar to conservative or New Labour
right-wing = very conservative
liberal = conservative or New Labour
Conservative = nothing to do with the Tories
doctor = seldom an M.D.
surgeon = doctor
veterinarian = vetinary surgeon
animal doctor = vet
impatiens = Bizzy Lizzy
geranium = pelargonium
slicker = sou’wester
city slicker = urban wise-guy
hardware store = ironmonger’s
hanging = a non-lethal form of social intercourse
quality on Channel 13 = BBC or ITV productions
prom = an event Sir Henry Wood wouldn’t be seen dead at
the city = nothing to do with the world’s financial centre
information = directory enquiries
inquire = enquire
long distance = a trunk call
we’ll be right back = frequent and lengthy breaks for adverts on telly
millionaire = half as rich as a British millionaire
billion = not nearly as much
check = cheque
check = cross
check = tick
tick = blood-sucking insect
tick-tack-toe = noughts and crosses
ticked off = cross
line = queue
line-up = identification parade
parade = march-past
garbage = rubbish
rubbish = nonsense
dump = tip
tip = honorarium
trash (vb) = ruin or destroy
trash = lower class types
step up = next, please
Please feel free to submit in good humour suggestions for additions to this glossary.
UPDATE - Friday 15 July 2005
private school = public school (Contributed by Piers. Thanks, mate.)
public school = comprehensive
11 July 2005
Paper Chase
My office. After hours.
I'm here surveying the debris of my office, which I tore apart late this afternoon, while frantically searching for a contract that I seemed to have mislaid. It's just the same as hundreds others that I deal with and I hadn't given the pesky little thing a thought until a fax arrived today that suddenly caused the thought of the offending document to rise swiftly to the top of my to do list. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find the little bugger, though I was convinced that I had it somewhere. And all the other paperwork pointed to it's existence. I can usually lay my hands on any piece of paper in my office very swiftly. I have this instinctive feel for knowing where something was the last time I saw it, especially when it's made it's way to the I'll get to it one of these odd years pile. Well, now I have a huge pile of I'll get to it one of these odd years and as I'm taking the day off tomorrow I feel compelled to eliminate the pile.
The happy ending to the sorry tale is that I eventually called the vendor with whom I had the 'contract'. I fished a little for information and was filled with gladness when she said, "I'm so sorry, I've been meaning to get that to you for weeks. Can I bring it over on Wednesday?"
When the dawn of the paperless office was proclaimed, just who were they kidding?
I'm here surveying the debris of my office, which I tore apart late this afternoon, while frantically searching for a contract that I seemed to have mislaid. It's just the same as hundreds others that I deal with and I hadn't given the pesky little thing a thought until a fax arrived today that suddenly caused the thought of the offending document to rise swiftly to the top of my to do list. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find the little bugger, though I was convinced that I had it somewhere. And all the other paperwork pointed to it's existence. I can usually lay my hands on any piece of paper in my office very swiftly. I have this instinctive feel for knowing where something was the last time I saw it, especially when it's made it's way to the I'll get to it one of these odd years pile. Well, now I have a huge pile of I'll get to it one of these odd years and as I'm taking the day off tomorrow I feel compelled to eliminate the pile.
The happy ending to the sorry tale is that I eventually called the vendor with whom I had the 'contract'. I fished a little for information and was filled with gladness when she said, "I'm so sorry, I've been meaning to get that to you for weeks. Can I bring it over on Wednesday?"
When the dawn of the paperless office was proclaimed, just who were they kidding?
From the BBC, a good article about bloggers' responses to bombs in London. Tea time? I'll put the kettle on then.
07 July 2005
06 July 2005
Oops
This just in....It seems that President Bush fell off his bicycle after crashing into a policeman while attending the G8 Summit at The Gleneagles Hotel in Scotland. It's ironic that police pedal power is featured on the official G8 site hosted by Her Majesty's Government. You'll find it here. George W Bush is 59 (today).
On the same site is a short history of Scotland that saves me from having to explain to all those who don't understand what is meant by Scotland, England, and the United Kingdom. You'll find that time saver here. Great Britain is the collective name for Scotland, England and Wales.
On the same site is a short history of Scotland that saves me from having to explain to all those who don't understand what is meant by Scotland, England, and the United Kingdom. You'll find that time saver here. Great Britain is the collective name for Scotland, England and Wales.
27 June 2005
The Keys
RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES
This is a work of non-fiction. Only the spellings of the names have been changed to protect the guilty.
New York. Hell's Kitchen. Monday morning.
As the post-Pride festivities continued into the wee small hours and beyond, Pierce realised [I want no comments on the spelling of this one, FARB] that he had lost his keys. Having so many friends in the neighbourhood [oh, there's another one!], he felt sure he could at least crash somewhere nearby. Alas, no one nearby, including Bryan, was answering his phone. In desperation, at 6.13am Pierce called Marc, who lives several miles away, but also has a set of keys to Pierce's place, because he more or less lives there much of the time. Amazingly, Marc had woken up several minutes before to pour a gallon of water down his throat, having dehydrated in the hot discomfort of his non-airconditioned apartment during a brutally humid night. "I'll come and get the keys," said Pierce. Marc thought about this for less than half a second and decided that he would deliver the keys. After all, Pierce's had already lost his keys and the way thing were going he might very easily lose himself on the journey to Harlem, and it would get Marc out of the furnace that he'd been in for the previous eight hours. "I'll be there in 30 minutes," said Marc.
Meanwhile, to kill some time, Pierce sat on the front steps of his apartment building and continued to make calls. Eventually, Bryan answered, and Pierce poured out the whole sad story. "Pierce," said Bryan in his usual deadpan tone, "Do you know where I am?"
"Where?" asked Pierce.
"I'm in your apartment." [Priceless!]
A short time later Marc arrived at the building and called Pierce's phone (because the buzzer doesn't work). "Buzz me in, mate," said Marc. Pierce cracked up at this, as Marc realised that he had in his pocket his own set of keys to Pierce's apartment, and that that was the whole point of his being there. [Duh!]
The three boys laughed and laughed and laughed at the events of the morning, and still couldn't figure out how or why Bryan was in Pierce's apartment.
It could only have been funnier if Marc and Pierce had walked in to find Bryan crashed out on the sofa. It's going to make a great episode in the boys' TV sitcom.
This is a work of non-fiction. Only the spellings of the names have been changed to protect the guilty.
New York. Hell's Kitchen. Monday morning.
As the post-Pride festivities continued into the wee small hours and beyond, Pierce realised [I want no comments on the spelling of this one, FARB] that he had lost his keys. Having so many friends in the neighbourhood [oh, there's another one!], he felt sure he could at least crash somewhere nearby. Alas, no one nearby, including Bryan, was answering his phone. In desperation, at 6.13am Pierce called Marc, who lives several miles away, but also has a set of keys to Pierce's place, because he more or less lives there much of the time. Amazingly, Marc had woken up several minutes before to pour a gallon of water down his throat, having dehydrated in the hot discomfort of his non-airconditioned apartment during a brutally humid night. "I'll come and get the keys," said Pierce. Marc thought about this for less than half a second and decided that he would deliver the keys. After all, Pierce's had already lost his keys and the way thing were going he might very easily lose himself on the journey to Harlem, and it would get Marc out of the furnace that he'd been in for the previous eight hours. "I'll be there in 30 minutes," said Marc.
Meanwhile, to kill some time, Pierce sat on the front steps of his apartment building and continued to make calls. Eventually, Bryan answered, and Pierce poured out the whole sad story. "Pierce," said Bryan in his usual deadpan tone, "Do you know where I am?"
"Where?" asked Pierce.
"I'm in your apartment." [Priceless!]
A short time later Marc arrived at the building and called Pierce's phone (because the buzzer doesn't work). "Buzz me in, mate," said Marc. Pierce cracked up at this, as Marc realised that he had in his pocket his own set of keys to Pierce's apartment, and that that was the whole point of his being there. [Duh!]
The three boys laughed and laughed and laughed at the events of the morning, and still couldn't figure out how or why Bryan was in Pierce's apartment.
It could only have been funnier if Marc and Pierce had walked in to find Bryan crashed out on the sofa. It's going to make a great episode in the boys' TV sitcom.
20 June 2005
That Was The Week That Was
I have safely returned from Kalamazoo, having had a fantastic time.
My trip got off to a tricky start when I was caught by airport security with three banned items in my possession. Ooops. My first flight was cancelled, which resulted in having an extended layover in Chicago that I survived by having g & ts at 9.00am. It was all 'down the hatch' from that point on.
At 2.45am on Friday I had the pleasure of meeting four drunken bridesmaids outside the hotel who each felt it necessary to flash their massive boobs at me not once, but three times. I almost went blind.
My trip got off to a tricky start when I was caught by airport security with three banned items in my possession. Ooops. My first flight was cancelled, which resulted in having an extended layover in Chicago that I survived by having g & ts at 9.00am. It was all 'down the hatch' from that point on.
At 2.45am on Friday I had the pleasure of meeting four drunken bridesmaids outside the hotel who each felt it necessary to flash their massive boobs at me not once, but three times. I almost went blind.
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