Moooove!

You would hope that with the kind of weather we’re having in New York right now (it’s so bad it reminds me of summer in Scotland) the tourists would have the good taste to keep off the streets. Unfortunately, they never seem to learn that they could make those of us who live here and have to manoeuvre around them to get from A to B much happier if they simply got out of our way.

I’ve decided to recommend to Hizzoner the Mayor that tourist lanes and tourist containment areas be introduced in particular in Midtown and especially the Theatre District. Minimum speed limits, no wide loads, single file… you get the idea. As an accompaniment to this I’m forming myself into a Tourist Exclusion Zone (TEZ). During inclement weather, tourists will find that they get rather wet (especially if a gaggle of them is parked under a canopy) if they get too close to me, as I shall be tipping my umbrella to remove the excess rainwater, and if a tourist happens to be in the way of the water as it falls to the ground, that’s just too bad. I was practicing that technique on 8th Avenue today. You should try it. It could catch on.

If the ideas above aren’t effective I want the use of cattle prods by New York City residents on tourists to be made legal, if not compulsory.

Note: the writer makes his living from tourism.