Imagine

EMBARGOED UNTIL THE SHOW OPENS (IF IT EVER DOES)

As of Sunday 14 August 2005 the show is open.
It remains to be seen how long Lennon will last. See updates below.


Imagine?!?!?! What were they thinking?

The first act of Lennon on Broadway is pretty bad. The second act, I can't say, because we couldn't stay. Perhaps it was because Yoko Ono was being brought beverages during the show. Bad form, doll! What next? Popcorn? The Broadhurst Theatre is not AMC-25.

The performers were great, however, this so-called musical has bad writing, bad direction and a weird concept. I can't even elevate it to the level of a train wreck. It's simply not that interesting. If you thought Good Vibrations was bad, there is no comparison. Good Vibrations would win a Tony over Lennon.

Would the morons who think that you can throw popular songs together to make a show worthy of being on Broadway please stop thinking that way. Let's have some real musicals play The Great White Way.

LENNON UPDATE - Sunday 14 August 2005

Avid and regular readers will have tuned in for Imagine.

Imagine! Who would have thunk it? This wretched show is about to open any minute now. I've just watched the arrivals at the theatre from the vantage point of my office. Yoko looked divine dressed in white with a huge hat and a big black bow. I hope she doesn't spill her beverages all over those lovely white pants. Some of the other fashion choices were less suitable. Let's just say there was a lot of mutton dressed as lamb. I know the weather is horrendously hot, but when you're pushing seventy, spandex leggings never look good.

The world now waits till morning for the critics' verdicts. I can't imagine what they'll say.


UPDATE - Monday 15 August 2005

Imagine!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not going to say I told you so. This waste of a theatre will be gone by teatime. The critics hated it and so did I and everyone else I know who saw it. I feel sorry for the cast and crew who've worked so hard.

UPDATE - Sunday 21 August 2005 - 4.20pm

Imagine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's still playing. That might be something to do with the fact that Yoko Ono's car is parked illegally in front of the theatre at this precise moment. She's made a surprise visit just to make sure that they don't start loading out the show. Or she was passing and wanted to have a beverage. I dunno. I just see this stuff happening and feel the need to share it with regular and avid readers. Call it a public service announcement.

Cue the queue

Getting around New York City by subway in recent days hasn't been the most pleasant experience. Not because I live in fear of a terrorist attack. It's the blasted heat that's the problem. The temperature on the street is bad enough without having to endure the furnace below ground. A few days ago I decided to take a bus, and that's something I rarely do. There seemed to be a queue at the bus stop, so I joined it, and people were quite orderly about getting on the vehicle. Then a retired middle-class gentleman geezer showed up and started elbowing past me.

"Have the good manners to wait your turn," I said.

"Why? What was I doing?" he responded.

"You were pushing in," I said, pointing out the obvious.

"Well, now you're happy you're ahead of me."

"Darling, I'm way ahead of you!" I said triumphantly and climbed onto the bus.

That little episode got me thinking that it's time people here adopted the marvellous practice of queueing. It's good manners, it's fair and it's orderly. It also helps one survive the hot days by eliminating one way of getting bent out of shape by the bad behaviour of others.

America, take my cue and form a queue.

Things Can Only Get Better

This was the kind of week that I don't want to have to go through ever again. Some people have a lot worse to deal with, I know.

While in Connecticut last weekend, I received news that my dear friend Matt had died suddenly, so I journeyed up there again for his funeral on Tuesday. On Wednesday night I heard about an acquaintance, Diane, in Connecticut, who committed suicide by taking an overdose and locking herself in a freezer in her cellar. (There is no connection between the two deaths, fortunately.) On Friday my sister called to say that my Dad has lung cancer, weighs less than 100 pounds, and is not going to receive any chemo or similar treatment. I talked to him a short time ago, and he says he's feeling so much better, the treatment's going so well, there's nothing to worry about, and people are telling him he looks a great deal better than de did last week. My sister then told me an entirely different version from what Dad had said. I then called my late friend Matt's home to speak to his widow, my darling friend Bea. Matt's voice was on the answering machine... To cap it all, my roommate's dog died.

Lucky white heather, anyone?

Hewlett Packard

The chickens have come home to roost at Hewlett Packard, where up to 25,000 jobs could be lost. I blame that stupid bitch [stet - editor] Carly Farly Farina, an overrated art hsitorian who gave buzzwords a bad name and led that organisation to disaster.

I think that's what you mean

With the United Kingdom having been so prominently featured in world news recently, I've been thinking of the differences between American English and proper English and have decided to publish here my latest glossary of terms for the benefit of my reading public, especially the Britons. This may help your understanding of what Americans think they mean when they say...

American English = a bastardised version of The Queen’s English

English = British

British = of the UK except England

England = the UK except Ulster

Scotland = an island somewhere near the British Isles

sidewalk = pavement

pavement = tarmacadam

cookie = a particular kind of biscuit (definitely not McVitie)

biscuit = scone

scone = something fairly inedible resembling tarmacadam

English muffin = crumpet

muffin = a small cake

“urb” = herb

fag = not a cigarette

shop = a car repair centre

school = college or university

the holidays = the months of November and December

on vacation = on holiday

pudding = custard

take-out = take-away, or assassinate

television news = entertainment programme with topical flavour and a Hollywood slant

in-depth coverage = a news report lasting almost two minutes

exclusive = being carried by every television network and cable channel

dinner at 8.00 = 8.30 for 9.00

fashionably late = late

silverware = cutlery

hard roll = soft roll

soccer = football

football = rugby for big cissies

propane = gas

gas = petrol

gallon = less than a gallon

pint = less than a pint

trunk = boot

hood = bonnet

bonnet = glengarry

undershirt = vest

vest = waistcoat

jumper = pinafore

Pinafore = a light operetta by Gilbert and Sullivan

shorts = underpants

pants = trousers

coat = jacket

raincoat = macintosh

strep = a very sore throat

professor = lecturer

semester = term

shower = nothing to do with weather

tractor = the cab of an articulated lorry

trailer = static caravan unsuitable for towing

grass = a drug

drug = medicine

pharmacy = dispensing chemist

fries = chips

chips = crisps

sandwich = half a bird/pig/cow with a bread type product and assorted salad items - enough to feed a small African nation

Republican = similar to Conservative

Democrat = similar to Conservative or New Labour

left-wing = similar to conservative or New Labour

right-wing = very conservative

liberal = conservative or New Labour

Conservative = nothing to do with the Tories

doctor = seldom an M.D.

surgeon = doctor

veterinarian = vetinary surgeon

animal doctor = vet

impatiens = Bizzy Lizzy

geranium = pelargonium

slicker = sou’wester

city slicker = urban wise-guy

hardware store = ironmonger’s

hanging = a non-lethal form of social intercourse

quality on Channel 13 = BBC or ITV productions

prom = an event Sir Henry Wood wouldn’t be seen dead at

the city = nothing to do with the world’s financial centre

information = directory enquiries

inquire = enquire

long distance = a trunk call

we’ll be right back = frequent and lengthy breaks for adverts on telly

millionaire = half as rich as a British millionaire

billion = not nearly as much

check = cheque

check = cross

check = tick

tick = blood-sucking insect

tick-tack-toe = noughts and crosses

ticked off = cross

line = queue

line-up = identification parade

parade = march-past

garbage = rubbish

rubbish = nonsense

dump = tip

tip = honorarium

trash (vb) = ruin or destroy

trash = lower class types

step up = next, please


Please feel free to submit in good humour suggestions for additions to this glossary.


UPDATE - Friday 15 July 2005

private school = public school (Contributed by Piers. Thanks, mate.)

public school = comprehensive

Paper Chase

My office. After hours.

I'm here surveying the debris of my office, which I tore apart late this afternoon, while frantically searching for a contract that I seemed to have mislaid. It's just the same as hundreds others that I deal with and I hadn't given the pesky little thing a thought until a fax arrived today that suddenly caused the thought of the offending document to rise swiftly to the top of my to do list. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find the little bugger, though I was convinced that I had it somewhere. And all the other paperwork pointed to it's existence. I can usually lay my hands on any piece of paper in my office very swiftly. I have this instinctive feel for knowing where something was the last time I saw it, especially when it's made it's way to the I'll get to it one of these odd years pile. Well, now I have a huge pile of I'll get to it one of these odd years and as I'm taking the day off tomorrow I feel compelled to eliminate the pile.

The happy ending to the sorry tale is that I eventually called the vendor with whom I had the 'contract'. I fished a little for information and was filled with gladness when she said, "I'm so sorry, I've been meaning to get that to you for weeks. Can I bring it over on Wednesday?"

When the dawn of the paperless office was proclaimed, just who were they kidding?

From the BBC, a good article about bloggers' responses to bombs in London. Tea time? I'll put the kettle on then.

The spirit of the British people will never be broken.

Oops

This just in....It seems that President Bush fell off his bicycle after crashing into a policeman while attending the G8 Summit at The Gleneagles Hotel in Scotland. It's ironic that police pedal power is featured on the official G8 site hosted by Her Majesty's Government. You'll find it here. George W Bush is 59 (today).

On the same site is a short history of Scotland that saves me from having to explain to all those who don't understand what is meant by Scotland, England, and the United Kingdom. You'll find that time saver here. Great Britain is the collective name for Scotland, England and Wales.